That which has been your delight.

“Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains.” - Khalil Gibran

A little over a year and a half ago, my grandmother passed away. There is so little I can write here to describe how devastating this was to my family. My grandma was the matriarch of our family and someone who made you know every day how important you were to her. It was a huge loss that lately feels like it gets harder as time goes on rather than easier.

Today would have been her 80^th birthday.

In honor of the woman that she was and what she meant to me, I am posting a copy of the eulogy I read at her funeral. As rough as that was to do, it was a very cathartic experience and I’m glad I was able to give her that last gift.

Please take into consideration that this was written in the middle of the night before her funeral by a grieving granddaughter and was meant to be read out loud.

 I want to start out by thanking everyone for gathering here today in remembrance and celebration of my grandma’s life.  It is a true testament to who she was as a person to have so many loving members of our family, and friends who feel like family, here today.

I say remembrance and celebration because even though this is pretty much the worst day of my life, when you take a moment to remember the type of person my grandmother was….you can’t help but celebrate the fact that you were so lucky and so blessed to have known her.

She was the matriarch of her family, of her neighborhood, and of probably everyone she ever met.  She was one of the strongest people I have ever known.  There was a time in her life when she was battling cancer so severe that all she wanted was to see me graduate 8^th grade in this very church.  Here we are 16 years later and she has not only seen me graduate college with a master’s degree but most importantly, she was able to see me marry the love of my life 2 years ago.  There is not enough time or words in the English language for me to express my gratitude for those 16 years.  We shared so many special memories and moments during that time.

My grandma was my partner in crime, my best friend, and my hero.  She taught me how to balance a checkbook, cross-stitch, and bake the world’s most delicious cookies.  I idolized her.  My family always teased me that I have inherited her fiery temper, but I hope that one day I can also say that I inherited her ability to love everyone passionately and unconditionally.

This past year she was fighting emphysema, COPD, esophageal problems, bone cancer and still found the time to make cookies for her neighbor Margo’s daughter’s wedding.  At the wedding the bride, Lauren, took a moment to talk about how special my grandma was to her and how she was like her third grandma.  When Margo told my family and I that story she said she hoped I didn’t mind that Lauren was sharing my grandma.

I remember thinking how could I possibly mind…I was honored that Lauren, one of my childhood friends, was lucky enough to be able to share my grandma.  Which also made me think, why was it so easy for me to not mind and to be able to share my grandma, with Lauren, and so many other people.

Well, as most of you here know, mainly because my grandma made it unmistakably known, I am her only precious angel granddaughter chickadee who reminded her so so much of her sweet and perfect daughter Debbie. There was pretty much nothing I could ever do that didn’t make her proud and even when I was wrong…I was still pretty much right in grandma’s eyes.  There is no comparison to how ridiculously proud she was of our entire family.  She loved us and she let us know everyday.

She was a grandmother who lived 1,000 miles away, but loved me so hard that she might as well have lived next door.   And that’s the true legacy of my grandmother.  She loved us so unconditionally and so perfectly that we were happy to share her because we always knew exactly where we stood. And trust me…with grandma…you always knew exactly where you stood.

I have been so blown away by the stories that I have heard about the way my grandmother made people feel these last two weeks.  In my family, we knew how absolutely crazy my grandma was about us…but I don’t think we ever completely knew the impact she had on so many other people.  So many of our friends and neighbors who maybe only knew her for a short amount of time, felt that crazy amount of unconditional love that grandma had not just for us…but for everyone.

When my mom asked me to give this eulogy, I wasn’t sure how to take it. Obviously it was an honor.   But a eulogy is for someone who passed on.   And for some reason I just didn’t feel like that in this situation it was appropriate.  Because as much as I can’t walk into a room and immediately feel like something is missing because she isn't there and am constantly having moments where I think…I cannot wait to tell her about something that just happened…and then I am hit with reality and the grandma shaped hole in my heart.    

I know that I can somehow fill that emptiness with these truths.  The conditions for my grandma being with us physically may no longer be here, but she isn’t gone.  Every time you buy a $200 dollar dress for under $10 at Macy’s, she’s there. Every time you stay up way too late arguing and laughing over a pinochle game, there she is. But mostly every time you reach out to someone that needs love and put their wellbeing ahead of your own…well then I know she’s there. I know that she is there every time we remember how she made us feel, what she taught us about what it means to love, and especially when we treat others with that same compassion that she gave to us.

She made us all feel so loved. My mother was her only child, and we were her only grandchildren, but in one way or another, you were all family to her. And what is truly amazing is that I probably don’t even need to tell you that.  Because she let you know everyday with the way she treated you. 

We are all blessed, not just for having known my grandma, but for having been loved by her.  Her legacy will live on in us forever through the love that she gave us and through the way she taught us to love. 

Thank you all for being here to remember what a remarkable woman my grandma was and for being here to celebrate in gratitude the blessing we were all given of having her love in our lives. 

Birthday Weekend

Mom, me, and Grandma

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” - Khalil Gibran

Happy Birthday

Fresh Start

So many things in my life have changed since I started this blog, and so many things haven’t.

Let me (briefly) reintroduce myself.

My husband Josh and I were married on February 20^th 2011, in Naples FL.

I started a new job teaching middle school down here in 2012 and LOVED it.

Unfortunately the school I worked for closed shortly after, but I immediately found a job teaching the same subjects at an International Baccalaureate middle school which I love even more! 

A little over a year ago, my hubby and I also bought a house. 

We have been enjoying spending the last year and a half turning it into a home, but there is still a lot of work to do! 

So many exciting things have happened in the last few years. As a kid, I kept journals for years, but it's something I really haven't been consistent about since an obsession with LiveJournal in college. These have been the best years of my life and I feel like things are only getting better.  I want to use this as a record for myself to be able to look back and see all the awesome things that have happened.  Or look back at the not so awesome things (2010, when I started this journal, we had a lot of terrible things happen, especially with my family) and see how we've overcome them. 

Even though this truly is a fresh start, I’m keeping the name because I  still am in a constant struggle to do 800 things at once without losing who I am and becoming a complete scatter brain. I also hope that this will help me keep track of some of those crazy passions.  Initially I also had some ideas about what kind of blog I wanted this to be, but instead of forcing it into one niche or another, I’m just going to let it take me along for the ride. I hope you enjoy it.  

What is Pronoia?

Pronoia is the sneaking feeling that the world is out to help you.

John Perry Barlow (writer and lyricist for the Grateful Dead) gave one of the first definitions of the word, defining it as, “the suspicion the Universe is a conspiracy on your behalf.” The Zippy movement adopted the idea of pronoia, defining it as the opposite of paranoia: the sneaking suspicion others are conspiring to help you, and used the Zippy Pronoia Tour to promote the pronoia outlook to the United States.

My initial awareness of pronoia began when I discovered the book Pronoia is the Antidote to Paranoia: How the Whole World is Conspiring to Help You, by Rob Brezsny. Part of my attraction to this curious meme is the friendly and light way that Rob Brezsny has approached it. It’s also exciting because there hasn’t really been any extensive exploration into what pronoia truly means, so I’m intrigued to see where my personal connection with the term will lead me. The pronoia section of this journal will offer my unique relationship with pronoia as I journey through the pages Rob Brezsny has awarded us.

So far, my own attempt at a definition for pronoia includes (but is not yet limited to): Accepting the universe without fear and taking on the world with passion, uncertainty, and curiosity. As I explore the book and as my own perceptions of this exciting concept evolve, I invite you to play along and find meaning in your own way.

To set our adventure in motion, I’ll leave you with the following mediation from Rob Brezsny. If you’d like to investigate more on your own you can also check out his website http://www.beautyandtruth.com/.



Try this mediation:

Imagine that you are both the wood and the fire that consumes the wood. When you focus your awareness on the part of you that is the wood, you hurt; it’s painful to feel your sense of solidarity disintegrating. But as you shift your attention to the part of you that is the fire, you exult in the wild joy of liberation and power.

It may be tempting to visualize yourself more as the fire than the wood. But if you’d like understand pronoia in its fullness, you’ve got to be both wood and fire simultaneously.



enjoy it*

Passion, Pronoia, and the Pursuit of Etcetera

I’ve always admired people who appeared to magically identify their exact objective in life. People who knew from the time they were in grade school that they wanted to be doctors, teachers, businessmen, or artists and basically seemed to design their lives accordingly. I’ve always yearned to have that kind of self-awareness, to have that ambition, drive, and focus to accomplish my own dreams and aspirations.

My dilemma is that while I’m certainly not lacking the passion and determination, I am most definitely struggling when it comes to focus. I don’t mean that I’m incapable of concentrating on these passions, but that I find myself passionate about so many things, that it seems I’m unable to give any of them the adequate attention they need to develop and unfold.

Even though I admire those who are able to pinpoint their specific goals and cultivate them, I’ve also similarly admired and actually related closer to people like Thomas Jefferson. Thomas Jefferson has been a personal role model (hence my play off his words “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”) because I was always in awe of his ability to juggle so many different ambitions. I mean this man was not only one of the founding fathers of our nation and its third President, but he also was a philosopher, inventor, architect, and considered the father of archeology. He was also deeply interested in horticulture, bird watching, fishing, and was a wine enthusiast. Did I mention that he spoke French, Italian, and Latin (and “dabbled” in others, including German and Arabic)?

Like Thomas Jefferson, I have my share of passions. I studied history and philosophy as an undergrad, moved to Florida to pursue a masters in cultural anthropology, only to switch to political science a semester later. Afterwards, I would love to pursue a career in secondary education teaching social studies, but eventually becoming duel certified in English, since literature and poetry are huge passions of mine. I would also love to teach a humanities elective about music, art, philosophy and religion, because I really believe that having at least a modest background in these topics greatly enhances a student’s education. I’m also about to marry a really amazing man and eventually start a family, so I’d like to be more organized at home (a huge hurdle for me!) and work on sharing the cooking responsibilities with Josh, while making delicious and healthy choices. Conversely, I’ve always had a lust for travel and other cultures, so I’m drawn to any trips or volunteer opportunities abroad, especially those regarding literacy and AIDs education, which have always been causes of mine.

I also would like to be a better artist. I used to play piano and sing, so I’m sufficient when it comes to reading music. I’ve dabbled in so many different instruments, but would love to get to the place where I could play at least a few songs so I’d feel like I accomplished something. I want to start journaling again (this is a start!), writing poetry again, and finish the book I started, as well as getting thoughts together for new ones. I used to make jewelry as a little kid and I want to start playing around with that again and making cute gifts for my friends.

This is only a sample of the various passions I feel like I’m driven to pursue, but with all of these loves, how do you develop any of them? And more importantly, how do you keep your head from spinning and avoid giving the impression (to yourself and others) of being a complete flake?



This journal is my attempt to not only celebrate my individual passions, but to document my journey nurturing my inner Thomas Jefferson. I hope that by writing this all down, it will help me stay focused on my endeavors, record any progress I make, and most importantly, help keep me accountable. I’m excited that I’ll eventually be able to look back and witness my own progress in my personal challenge to sustain my collection of interests, and basically my own pursuit of etcetera.


enjoy it*